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Why Do I Feel Like A Big FAT Cow?!

So....this quarantine...What has this time in your home made you realize?

For me I realized I didn't work out enough when I had the chance too. I realized that I was making myself feel really ugly and feel super fat. I am struggling to figure out why I feel so gross about myself. I became obsessed with losing weight. I would get so pissed after a week of intermittent fasting that I only lost a pound. Last time I did it I lost 12lbs in a week! This time it didn't work! I started running, like actually running! Miles! So how in the world if i'm doing everything right (for 1 week mind you) am I NOT getting results! I know you are reading this and saying, "Well duh Karla, its only been a week." In my defense that week felt like a year. I didn't give up, I went for week two. Now my foot is hurting me and I can barely walk cause it hurts so bad. I worked on myself and could make myself function but not a 100 percent better. SO like my clients I would go run cause, "hey, I feel better!" So of course I would run and when I finished I couldn't walk again. Finally I told myself to stop and don't run until I feel 100 percent better! Then all the judgement starts kicking in my head...." Now you are going to suck when you get back to running" or "taking a break is going to make me not want to run again" On my down time I did small workouts that I would only burn a 100+ calories. When I run I burn so many calories and I close my rings on my watch. Those rings! If I could insert an eye roll. "Lindsey just closed her rings" or "Laura just finished a workout." Taunting little rings lol. They serve their purpose and I'm grateful for the push but i still roll my eyes here and there. Anyway! I opened up to my boyfriend about how I feel and how i'm not understanding why i'm not losing weight. Then he asked me questions like, "how do you feel about the things you are eating when its your time to eat?'' I got super defensive! I felt like everything I ate I was secretly being judge by him. I created this really big insecurity about myself and how I was eating. If I ate ice cream or cake then I'm a cow and a loser. NO self control. Like I said I got super defensive and I can make a mountain out of a mold for sure! I told him that that is bs! Last time I did this intermittent fast I didn't count calories or burn the calories I was burning and I still lost tons of weight!! He just look at me with the straightest face and say "well, maybe this time you have to change it up." So that's that...I'll change it up, I'll count those pesky calories! I re-open my fitness pal, my old friend. All happy to see me again, enter your weight....blah blah blah right?! I seriously need an eye roll! I decided I"ll do the whole macro thing this time. I'm in my LATER 30's, I guess this is how life will be. No more eating a whole pizza and doing 10 sit-ups and having abs. Take a minute to remember those days.....OK Welcome back! So I'm all signed up and here we go. I ate almost a whole box of caramel cookies, then chips and salsa, wine, beer, 4 tacos and 2 packs of gummy fruit snacks. I'm cracking up laughing at myself, like, "way to go champ!" That night I laid in bed and remembered something James said. At the moment I was making a mountain and was to busy to hear the rest but in that moment in bed I remembered, he asked me, " What thoughts are you thinking about yourself?" So I asked myself, "what am I thinking about myself and could this be making it harder for me?" In that moment I realized I was taking on others insecurities on top of my own without even realizing it. "You are who you hang around." We all know that saying, if you don't well, there you go :) I've only been around my family so what negative thoughts could I be picking up and making my own. Then it dawned on me. My boyfriend had body image insecurities (that he has moved passed and is killing it), my kids have their own body issues, my boyfriends son has his own insecurities, the roommate that we have is dying to get his abs in his 40s so he can be hot and get a new man. I got sucked into this invisible vortex of vanity and not happy with where I am. Vanity? Yes, this time we live in, tik tok, ig, and fb. How pretty and perfect these people are. That's all we look at day in and day out! Deep down we all have some insecurities but on the outside we are all smiles and would never actually say we do. This morning I woke up and said to myself, "I am beauty, I am sexy af!" I decided that I am going to tell myself how beautiful I am everyday. I decided to let go of the boo hoo "this is how I use to be" and embrace where I am today. I am fitter then ever! I am sexier then ever! I am more committed then ever and I am going to crush this life being the best mom, gf, massage therapist and friend. I decided to become a health and life coach. I want to learn the habits and patterns I've created to yoyo like I do, down 10lbs, up 10lbs. I'm sick of it! I know it starts with me so I intend on figuring it out and then creating a space to help others do the same in every area of our lives. Thank you for reading!! Feel free on leaving a comment or message. I have a private women only page on facebook call Loosen Up Deland Women. Please join! Men, I'm sorry I don't have a mens only page. Maybe one day I'll convince James to partner with and make one ;)

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